Practice, Self-Kindness, and the Real Mechanism of Change

By Dr. Shoshana Garfield, with Dr. Sasha Mitrofanov

The Part Most People Miss

Change doesn’t happen just by understanding.

It happens through practice.

And one of the most important practices is:

learning to be kind to yourself

What Usually Happens Instead

When people feel anxious or notice an unwanted thought, they often respond like this:

• “I’m so stupid”

• “Why did I do this again?”

• judging the thought

• judging the feeling

This reaction feels natural.

But it creates a problem.

The Hidden Pattern

That self-criticism is not neutral.

It is:

• a learned pattern

• a habitual response

And it actually:

keeps the cycle going

The Inner Critic Derails the Work

When you:

• attack yourself

• reject your experience

You reinforce the same system you’re trying to change.

So a big part of the work becomes:

• noticing the inner critic

• and responding differently

Kindness Is Not a Bonus — It’s the Work

Being kind to yourself means:

• when the anxiety shows up

• when the thought repeats

• when the pattern runs

…you don’t add another layer of attack on top of it.

This is not easy.

And it doesn’t happen instantly.

This Takes Repetition

Just like learning any skill:

• you practice

• you adjust

• you repeat

Over and over again.

Repetition after repetition after repetition

This is how a new pattern is formed.

Why Anxiety Feels Worse Sometimes

Part of what intensifies anxiety is:

• being anxious about the anxiety

• being angry at the anxiety

• or both

So the reaction to the anxiety can amplify it.

Building a New Template

Over time, you are creating a new pattern:

• kindness

• non-judgment

• acceptance

Even towards the anxiety itself.

What Makes It Work Faster

Again, the key factor is practice.

If you:

• only do this in sessions → slow progress

If you:

• practice between sessions

• use tools (like tapping, thought work, meditation, or combinations)

→ faster progress

Because:

you are practicing

The Core Message

This work takes time.

Not because something is wrong.

But because:

• you are changing deeply ingrained patterns

• and building new ones

And that only happens through:

practice, repetition, and kindness